Hayden's Faves: Weaknesses

Hi again everyone, it's time for another critical insight into the inner psyche of TSDA's most colorful and flamboyant crew member: Hayden.  Today, I'll be giving a brief overview of Hayden's 5 biggest weaknesses--5 surefire things that 60% of the time will bring him to his knees, every time.

1.  Jimmy John's

No, not the drug dealing football player.  Rather, Hayden has proven his hopeless addiction for this old-fashioned sandwich shop time and time again after long nights of being out on the town.  His penchant for the "Slim 5, BBQ, chips, and water," always ordered in a delightful combination of underbreath mumblings and quick outbursts of syllables, has earned him veritable notoriety among the restaurant's late-night staff, many of whom can often be found placing a variety of interesting side-bets on whether/when Hayden will show up and whether or not he will ever change his order.  Hayden approximates that during many weeks of the Spring 2009 semester he made at least four post-2am visits to Jimmy John's--an outstanding achievement by any standard.  Keep slathering on that mayonnaise, Hayden! 

2.  *****

This post has been removed per request by TPS.

If you feel as strongly as I do about censorship and 1st Amendment rights violations--specifically in relation to this post--please feel free to contact Hayden about it here.

3.  His Blackberry

It can be reasonably stated that few individuals have ever been as attached to anything to the extent that Hayden is utterly dependent on his Blackberry.  Indeed, when separated from said Blackberry, Hayden begins to show all of the classical symptoms of severe withdrawal/detox as would be seen in a case of extreme heroin withdrawal: panic, tremors, irritability, chills, diarrhea, shaking, dilated pupils, vomiting, itchiness, insomnia, sweating, and weight loss.  Long term studies have not been performed due to Hayden's outright refusal to participate in Blackberrylessness for more than 10 to 15 minutes at a time.  Of all Hayden's weaknesses, this is probably his most potent, as well as the easiest to exploit.

4.  Chapstick

This weakness bears much resemblance to Hayden's Blackberry weakness.  The symptoms are very similar, and it is also a similarly easy weakness to exploit when the mischief maker is so inclined.  It is hard to say what draws Hayden so very strongly to his chapstick.  It isn't really feasible that his lips could possibly achieve the outstanding level of dryness that would necessitate his chapstick-use levels, particularly when his twin brother Barrett is rarely, if ever, seen to use chapstick at all.  In any event, Hayden seems entirely undeterred by the negative side effects of his copious lip-lube application, which include constant facial shininess and frequent complaints from girls that his mouth "straight tastes like diesel fuel."  Don't look for Hayden to drop this bad habit anytime in the near future.

5.  **** ******

This post has also been removed per request by TPS.

If you feel as strongly as I do about censorship and 1st Amendment rights violations--specifically in relation to this post--please feel free to contact Hayden about it here.