The good news, however, is that in only a few days we will begin posting updates from the road--fulfilling the original goal of the blog. So, with that preface, I present one last wittily-worded stab at TSDA's most illustrious and enigmatic crew member: Hayden.
1. Alter Egos
We are all familiar with the alter-ego archetype: Clarke Kent and Superman, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Cartman and The Coon. There exists one particular ego pair, however, that is so deliberately and completely concealed from the public eye that many experts argue it has never been fully exposed until this very blog post: Hayden after Church, and Hayden after Dark. Yes, ladies and gentleman, once the sun the goes down and the "Yes ma'am!" and "Oh yes sir please and thank you!" replies are set aside on the shelf, Hayden after Dark slowly and sinisterly takes form and emerges from the seedy underbelly of the EFN third floor. His dastardly deeds and reprehensible adventures are enough to make any morally upstanding individual cower in fear and disgust. As your trusted author, I urge you to always take proper precautions in order to keep Hayden after Dark at bay: put your women and children to bed at sun down, stay away from Mexican restaurants that have happy hour specials, and make sure you don't live anywhere near a Jimmy John's location. It is also advisable to make sure you don't have any mayonnaise or mustard in the fridge; legend holds that the elusive Hayden after Dark and smell/track the stuff from over twenty miles away.
2. Early Mealtimes
What's the first thing on your mind when you get out of a lab period at 3:30 in the afternoon? For most of us, the decision process would involve choosing between going to the pool, taking a nap, or maybe getting an early start on some homework. Not for Hayden! As he ravenously bursts out of Nott Hall on Tuesday and Thursday afternoons, many innocent bystanders report hearing muffled mumbles of "Barrett Barrett Barrett let's go get dinner" and "Bro I'm REAL hungry bro." As he duck-footedly darts across the quad, one has to wonder what could possibly make him need to eat dinner at such an early hour. The answer, in all likelihood, is probably a combination of factors, not the least of which is the fact that he eats lunch between 9:50 and 10:15 every morning. So next time you are hanging out with Hayden as he makes fun of his elders with his trademark tooth-whistle, don't be afraid to call him out on his own elderly habits. He'd do it to you in a heartbeat.
3. Terrible Driving
Want to get somewhere safe and sound? Let Barrett drive. To Hayden, the rules of the road typically seem more like "guidelines" or "suggestions" of the road, and it is not uncommon for him to treat them the same way he treats advice and suggestions on how to not leave cups laying around or which receiver to throw to in NCAA. Comments such as "turn left here" or "wow you really blew that red light" are furiously contested and/or ignored in a Hayden-driven car, and many riders typically ind themselves wondering why they didn't man up and just drive themselves. Well, now you know, and knowing is half the battle.
4. Auburn Recruiting
How many people were in Alabama's 2008 #1 recruiting class? Hayden couldn't tell you, but what he could offer is the heights, weights, and 40-times of every Auburn recruit since the turn of the century. For an alleged die-hard Alabama fan, Hayden has a curiously powerful command of Auburn trivia both of late and of old. He readily admits that he reads and writes on The Bunker far more often than the BOL Roundtable, and he is all of his friends' go-to-guy for insider information coming out of The Plains.
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